Here we are, facing that time of year when we pay filmmakers and haunted houses to scare the pants off of us. Sure, homicidal maniacs and monsters are frightening, but did you ever stop to think about the things that should really scare us? I have, and I’m going to share a few with you today. So without further ado, here are 11 movies I think should have been made, with my personal low-carb twist of course.
Attack of the Killer Potatoes (Inspired by Attack of the Killer Tomatoes)
Plot: Residents are dying, one by one, in a sleepy residential hamlet. A government team is dispatched to find the cause, quickly learning it’s due to genetically modified potatoes.
Nightmare on Insulin Street (Inspired by Nightmare on Elm Street)
Plot: Don’t. Fall. Asleep. Thanks to the wonderful advice of agencies like the ADA, you should be able to sleep soundly knowing you are on your way to good health. After all, you can trust them, right? WRONG! You’re more likely to wake up to a freaky high fasting blood glucose, which will eventually lead you to require a lifetime of injections. That is… if you wake up at all.
Halloween (Inspired by, obviously, Halloween)
Plot: The stores are plotting against you, trying to lure you in with their tempting confections. And the children – the children are coming for you. Soon they’ll be pounding on your door, and they want candy. Dare you open it?
Irritable Bowel Horror (Inspired by Amityville Horror)
Plot: Based on a true story. What happens in your colon is hard to explain, but you are sure it’s haunted by demons while it’s happening.
The Statin Prophecies (Inspired by The Mothman Prophecies)
Plot: A reporter finds himself pulled into a web of mystery and deceit after learning statins have some horrible side effects. With the dawning realization that statins do more harm than good, his investigation leads him to visions of the future for all who partake. Don’t be next!
Duodenum Activity (Inspired by Paranormal Activity)
Plot: A family works to eat healthy, only to learn there are things happening in their duodenum that just aren’t right. A thriller for digestion fans everywhere.
28 Years Later (Inspired by 28 Days Later)
Plot: Young people stick to the standard American diet for years, not realizing it’s lacking in quality fats and high in refined, processed carbohydrates. They finally wake from their carb-induced stupor to discover they’re slowly killing themselves with high insulin, high triglycerides, heart disease, and diabetes. What if it’s all been one big failed experiment, and we are the lab rats?
Hellraiser (Inspired by the film of the same name)
Plot: A cardiologist realizes that his patients aren’t getting the help they need, so he seeks out alternative treatments. His research leads him to discover that wheat in the diet is the true cause of the disease. To his patients, he’s a hero, but to special interest groups, he’s simply a hellraiser. Who will win this epic battle of good vs evil? (Hat tip to Dr. Davis)
Invasion of the Nutrient Snatchers (Inspired by Invasion of the Body Snatchers)
Plot: Your food looks normal. It tastes normal. But something just isn’t right. Could it be possible? Are you eating genetically modified foods devoid of any real nutrients? Are you consuming anti-nutrients? Where will it end? There are just too many questions, and the answers are scary.
Children of the Corn Syrup (Inspired by Children of the Corn)
Plot: High fructose corn syrup is in everything. You can’t seem to escape it! Read the labels, if you dare…
GM’s Count Chocula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula)
Plot: Think that cute vampire on the front of the cereal box is all sweet and helpful? Think again. He vants to taint your blood – with sugar. You could end up with a permanent case of Count Choculitis, which sounds painful. Beware the breakfast cereal!
So there you have it. If any of you big shot Hollywood producers out there want to crunch numbers with me, I’ll be happy to work with you. Just don’t expect me to act. That would be truly scary.