All our favorite holidays are over. Mere memories. We’re firmly in March, and the camp counselors of life think we need some more holidays to keep us cheered up, and washing dishes. St. Patrick’s Day is coming, of course, but that apparently isn’t enough for the Merry Makers. So they tell us that March is National Foot Health Month, National Frozen Food Month, and Peanut Butter Lovers’ Month. But when these announcements fail to stir the blood, they offer us such choices as National Crown Roast of Pork Day (to be celebrated on the 7th), or Maple Syrup Saturday (the 3rd Saturday of the month). In Hinckley, Ohio they have a Buzzard Day Festival. In Wiggam, Georgia, they can be found celebrating the Rattlesnake Roundup. And if none of these float your boat, you can celebrate Doctor’s Day (March 30).
Since it was just Thanksgiving the other day, I don’t know how it can already be February, but such is the speed of ‘time travel.’ And speaking of how fast things travel, I want to tell you this piece of trivia which may or may not be true, but which ought to be true if it isn’t. They say that the speed of a computer mouse, that is, the distance the cursor moves across the screen, in relation to the distance the mouse actually moves across the mouse pad, is measured in units called mickeys. Don’t you just love it!
Hey, here we are in the New Year once again. In our household, we had nothing but fun from Thanksgiving until this red-hot moment. Great holiday goings-on! “Yes,” I hear you sigh, “we had fun in December, but the dark, cold days of January are upon us, and with them, no hope for a good time until at least Ground Hog Day, next month.”
What should I buy for [fill in the blank yourself] for Christmas? That’s a phrase guaranteed to send fear and panic in all directions. But, as usual, I’m here, to the rescue.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful letter. After having checked my list (twice, even!), I see that you have been mostly good this year, despite that incident where you incited that riot. Since you felt that you where acting in everyone’s best interests, I’m sure that we can let that one incident slide this year. Rest assured that I will be able to provide you with the majority of the items on your wish list, with the exception of this Winona Ryder person you wish for me to leave under your tree. We here at S. Clause Incorporated have strict rules against slavery of any kind, and feel that Ms. Ryder would not appreciate your request that she be wearing only two things: BUCK and NEKID. Need I remind you of the restraining order that Ms. Ryder requested last year for Christmas?
I’m told that in early December, Portuguese turkey farmers peddle their flocks on the streets of Lisbon. They do this for two reasons: because Lisbon is in Portugal, and is therefore a handy place to sell their turkeys, and because they don’t have Thanksgiving in that country.
Brian Pierce offers his slightly skewed view of low carbing and the world in general.
Some of you, my dedicated fans, know that I recently lost my job, and that I’m pretty bitter about it. After all, when I asked why I was being let go, I was told that I obviously didn’t like working there, and that I didn’t really want to continue at that company.
Amazingly enough, you can find mazes of maize, and walk through them, searching your way from one end to the other, with nary a kernel passing your lips.
Some people can tell what time it is from looking at the sun. I have never been able to do that; the light is always too bright for me to see the numbers.