As a continuation of the Inner Slut conversation and my extant trouble with my Inner Slut, whom I have named Delilah, this is an update of my saga.
Yesterday I had an odd thing happen. It was very not-out-of-the-ordinary for other women more in touch with their Inner Sluts, and probably would have been habit, but for me it was extraordinary and empowering and eye-opening.
I went to Sam’s Club to return stuff my mom had asked me to get. I didn’t get the right stuff, so okay, whatever. I have this huge cart, with all my stuff in the baby seat and I’m behind this guy holding a heavy box. So, in the interests of being polite, I say, “Why don’t you set that thing down on my cart?”
And he looks at me kinda absently, then I can tell his eyeballs are focusing, and he smiles this weird kinda smile I’ve never seen smiled at me before, and says, “Thanks. I appreciate it.” And he keeps looking at me, and his smile keeps going and I smile back, and I say, “Well, it does look kinda heavy.”
Just before this point, my natural reticence about this particular facet of my emotional makeup would have compelled me to look away or let my face become unwelcoming or use any number of body language wall-building tactics. But I didn’t. I kept looking at him, carried on a little bitty conversation with him about my mom’s return thing, and kept looking at him – in the eyes, mind you!
And the weird part about it was, he never ever took his eyes from my face. He stared at me as if he were fascinated with me. (Oh! That sounds so conceited!!!)
Then it was his turn to return his stuff and he turned away from me, and when he was done, he looked back at me and smiled warmly and said, “Thank you very much.” And I smiled at him and looked in his eyes and said, “You’re very welcome.”
And off he went with a little backward glance… at my face.
He was a very handsome man, and he never seemed to ONCE notice my weight. And you know what? For that moment in time, neither did I.
It was… liberating.
Yeah, I know it sounds like no biggie, but it was!!! To me, it was!!! I flirted. With only my eyeballs and my smile, granted, but I did! Make no mistake… I wanted to look away and put up my walls, but for some reason I didn’t – my weight loss accomplishment this past year seemed to make me a little more gutsy that way… and then it was a non-issue because he couldn’t take his eyes off my face.
Oh, do y’all don’t know how big an accomplishment this was for me? What a huge hurdle it was? Delilah and I have come a long way toward integrating fully with this one oh-so-minor encounter.
She is very pleased with me, and I am glad to have pleased her.