To Brian Pierce, The Low Carb Crusader
Chris Kringle, CEO.
1 North Pole Way, Suite 117.
North Pole, Arctic Circle
Thank you very much for your thoughtful letter. After having checked my list (twice, even!), I see that you have been mostly good this year, despite that incident where you incited that riot. Since you felt that you where acting in everyone’s best interests, I’m sure that we can let that one incident slide this year. Rest assured that I will be able to provide you with the majority of the items on your wish list, with the exception of this Winona Ryder person you wish for me to leave under your tree. We here at S. Clause Incorporated have strict rules against slavery of any kind, and feel that Ms. Ryder would not appreciate your request that she be wearing only two things: BUCK and NEKID. Need I remind you of the restraining order that Ms. Ryder requested last year for Christmas?
I also appreciated the copy of Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution that you sent me, as well as the additional information regarding this diet. Your assumptions about me where correct I do have a very low self esteem due in part to my weight problem, which I tend to overcompensate for by trying to buy the affection of children worldwide when I deliver gifts on Christmas Eve. How did you know? It’s like you where reading my mind, man! Get out of my head!
Sorry I lashed out at you there. Its just so frustrating, ya know? DO you think I don’t want to be thin? I’ve got a lot of pent up aggression inside this jolly facade, just waiting to explode! I’m so tired of living a lie.
I tried to lose weight once. Did you know that? I went on one of those low fat diets that where all the rage back then. I delivered so many copies of Stop the Insanity that year that I decided to give it a try. January through November, I was doing great! Of course, being stranded here at the North Pole helped a lot with that it’s not as if I have quick and easy access to a 7-11 up here so I can go and feed my need for Twinkies and microwave burritos! I didn’t lose much weight, but I was proud of myself for taking the initiative to start losing weight. But then those bastards at Macys ruined everything.
Every year, I get to be the last float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. After the parade there’s always a huge wrap party with a huge buffet and lots of booze for all of us that participated. I tell ya, you haven’t truly partied until you’ve partied with a giant, drunk, inflatable Snoopy! Well, one thing led to another, and by the end of the night I was no longer on my diet. I was so depressed, I ended up marking several little boys and girls as being “naughty” for simple infractions that I usually would have let slide. Things like interrupting your parents, not sharing, and eating with your fingers became grounds for receiving a stocking full of coal. I even went so far as to leave a note for little Timmy Johnson letting him know that he wasn’t getting a puppy simply because he had eaten all the red jelly beans! Oh, I was a mean one that year!
Starting the Atkins Diet
But this Atkins diet that you sent me the information about seems doable. Its not as if I dont have a ready supply of venison right out in my stable, right? Both Donner and Blitzen have been being a little lax in their duties in recent years, and I’m sure that there are other, younger flying reindeer that would love to have a chance at being on the team. Does it shock you that I would consider eating my reindeer? Oh, grow up! It’s not as if Donner and Blitzen where actually part of the original team, you know. Why do people assume that just because some guy wrote a song a few years ago naming the members of the team, that these members are permanent? Do these same people look at old football cards and assume that Brian Bozworth is still on the Seattle Seahawks? I hope not.
(By the way, the original team lineup was Reitland, Bertrand, Stan, Fredrich, Einrich, Ferdnand, Bert, and Olive. Olive was the only one of the original line up mentioned in the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer).
In order for me to even consider Starting the Atkins Diet, though, I’m going to need your help. I need you to tell all the children of the world to leave out some meat for Santa this year, instead of milk and cookies. If you can get enough children to do this for me, then I’m sure that I will be able to find the strength and will power needed to accomplish a new, thinner me by this time next year. Thank you in advance for helping me to a new way of life!
Return to The Low Carb Crusader.