Midnight Confessions

Confessions Of An Insomniac

This may just be the sleep deprivation talking, so bear with me. It’s 2AM, and inspiration has struck me in the form of a red-haired muse. And that red-haired muse? Mrs. Garrett from “Facts of Life,” of course!

When insomnia strikes, I can always be found with my remote firmly in hand and my butt firmly glued to the couch watching the night owl’s best friend: “Nick-At-Nite.” I spend the majority of the night being too awake to sleep, but too tired to get up and go to bed. Any energy I can muster is usually wasted on the pursuit of “munchies.”

Back in my high-carb days, this was really easy. If I stuck my hand in the cupboard, it would invariably come out with a box of something allegedly edible: Pop Tarts, Doritos, Ding-Dongs… They were always ready to be thrust in to my mouth with a minimum amount of effort and even, at times, very little recognition of what I was even eating. Occasionally, I would come away from my late night munchie raids with a mouth full of dry pasta or pancake mix, but hey! At least I had something to eat!


Mindless Low Carb Snacking Is Harder

Of course, the low carb lifestyle has changed my midnight eating habits entirely. Do you have any idea how many carbs are in a mouthful of unpopped popcorn? Yeesh! Occasionally, I will have thought ahead and had the foresight to cook up a big batch of chicken wings or meatballs or ANYTHING low carb to have in the fridge for those quick snacks that I crave. Of course, I only make these snacks on the days that I have no problems falling asleep… Murphy and I are great pals, because I always follow his rules.

Over the course of the year that I’ve been low carbing, I have done a lot of independent research regarding what I like to call “Quick-But-Sleepy-Snacks” (Hereafter referred to as QBSS). This term applies to any food that I can find and shove in my mouth when I’m in the that nodding land between sleep and non-sleep. Through trial and error, I have compiled a list of data that I feel every low carb dieter should be aware of before they stay up watching “The Facts Of Life” all night long.

So, I will now present the highlights of my research report findings as a public service to the low carb community as a whole. Hopefully, this information will help some other young low carber from making the some of the same mistakes that I have made. And hopefully, the courts will accept this article as part of my community service. (I still can’t believe that Uncle Ted pressed charges! He shoulda known not to bring up the Atkins Diet when I had my stick with me!)


Dangerous Experiments Selflessly Performed For The Benefit Of The Entire Low Carb Community


Night #11 1:30 AM.
The “Perfect Strangers” marathon is finally over. I shall miss Balki and Cousin Larry with all my heart, but shall always look fondly upon the time we shared tonight. Attempted to find a QBSS at midnight with disastrous results. It smelled good, it looked good, and it only had one carbohydrate per square, but it is my educated opinion that unsweetened bakers chocolate is NOT meant for human consumption. My theory? The package must have been left in the cupboard by some pervert who gets off on watching fat guys try to scrape their tongues off with a wooden spoon.


Night #18 5AM.
I’m glad I don’t have to work tomorrow, because if I did then I would have had to live the rest of my life without knowing when Nickelodeon switches over to children’s programming. I’m somewhat disappointed that the last sitcom of the evening was “The Wonder Years.” Why is it even considered a sitcom? It’s more of a nostalgic drama than anything else. Went in to the kitchen at 1AM to try and find a QBSS, and discovered that eating Arm & Hammer Baking Soda will make your nose run and your spit turn black for almost an hour. I’m not sure if this should qualify Baking Soda as a non-QBSS or not… The aftertaste was not unpleasant. Further experimentation is needed.


Night #22 11PM.
A slow night for TV. They’re into the episodes of Laverne & Shirley that don’t have Shirley in them. Why even bother watching the show if my angel of perfection isn’t in it? Someday, my sweet Shirley, I will make you mine. (The doctor still says my crush on a fictional character is unhealthy, but he doesn’t know how it is between us, does he, my sweet?) Made two discoveries tonight: Crisco has zero carbohydrates, and if you ever need to induce vomiting all you have to do is try to eat a spoonful of Crisco.


Night # 27 1AM.
Hey, “WKRP In Cincinnati!” I didn’t know they showed this anymore! Must be a special occasion or something. I love this show! That Howard Hessman is really an under-appreciated actor. I was in a “crunchy” mood tonight, so I went looking for a crunchy QBSS. I could not find any nutritional information, so I assumed that whole cloves and peppercorns have zero carbs. However, after having tried to chew on a fistful of each, I have decided that they must have way to many carbohydrates for me to even attempt further experimentation. And as I scrape my tongue with the wooden spoon, I am reminded of the unsweetened bakers chocolate episode (see NIGHT #11), and assume that the cloves & peppercorns where placed in the cupboard by the same perverted person.


Night #40 2:30AM.
It was Jack Tripper’s fault. There was a good episode of “Three’s Company” earlier tonight, and Jack was cooking a gourmet meal for Crissy’s date. Of course, since Mr. Roper thought they where having sex, hilarity was sure to follow! Seeing Jack cooking gave me a crazy idea, though. (I wonder how many of history’s catastrophes started with some guy sitting on his couch saying “Well, I could do that.”) Don’t ask me how, but I figured that the law of averages was with me. Sure, they all tasted terrible on their own, but what are the odds that a square of bakers chocolate, some peppercorns, some whole cloves, some baking soda, and a glob of Crisco slapped into a casserole would also taste really bad? My hypothesis seemed logical: each horrible taste would cancel the others out, leaving only a gourmet taste sensation! And my theory might have worked if I hadn’t gone and tried to be all creative like Jack Tripper. I added bouillon cubes, soy flour, and about a cup of Tabasco sauce (because I ain’t no pansy…I can take it). It wasn’t so much the terrible, lingering, burning sensation that this casserole left me with that made me upset, though. It was the way the cat looked at me while I held my mouth open under the kitchen faucet, trying to flood my taste buds and hopefully put them out of their misery. The cat just sat there, looking at me as if to say, “Serves you right, Mr.’Spay-And-Neuter-Your-Pet’!”


Research Conclusions

I think the cat may be the pervert who put the unsweetened bakers chocolate in the cupboard. I believe I’m going to have to cancel his check writing privileges and take his name off my account at the “We Deliver” grocery. Sheesh! Ya can’t trust anybody these days!

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