The Epiphany Of The Low Carb Crusader

NOTE FROM ANDREW: Brian fell off the wagon. Not only did he fall off the wagon, he left a big crater. Brian needs your help and support. We all have bad days, weeks, and even months of going off our chosen lifestyle. The key is finding the right motivation and having the right group of supporters in your corner. Let’s get into Brian’s corner. After reading this week’s article, please send your encouragement to [email protected]. Let him know you’re there for him – just like you’d like to have someone there for you.

It finally happened. After 1 year, 10 months, and 17 days on Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution….

After countless cows, chickens, turkeys, ducks, and pigs (the tastiest and crispiest of God’s creatures – truly blessed) and other types of livestock have given their lives to my ongoing weight loss….

After 148 pounds had been dropped….

I finally came to that wall that stops so many low carbers dead in their tracks every day.

As I looked down at my freshly garlic-and-herb-roasted chicken with pork rind “George Romero” stuffing, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat it. For the first time in my entire life, I was finally sick of meat! Sick to the point where I couldn’t even stomach the thought of consuming the delectable flesh in front of me!

It was a sad, sad day.

Having been on this diet for so long, I knew that there are several tasty low carbohydrate alternatives to high carbohydrate foods out there that did not involve meat of any kind. Stuff like delicious cauliflower mashed in to a paste as a substitute for mashed potatoes! Stuff like crumbled tofu and cheese baked together as a tasty alternative to macaroni & cheese! And of course, delicious bread made from Dr. Atkins Bake Mix! So knowing all these alternatives and having tried them all before, I knew exactly how to handle my dilemma….

I ordered a few pizzas.

I know, I know…. I was weak! I lacked discipline!

But come on…. Have you tried those alternatives? Some people swear by them, and all the more power to them, but no matter how you pretty it up with garlic, butter, and paprika, it’s still mashed cauliflower! If I enjoyed cauliflower, I could have lost weight on my own long ago!

And the tofu “MOC-A-Roni”? PUH-LEESE!

Aside from the yuppie/hippie/pinko commie connotations of that flavor-sponge known as tofu, I just can’t get that slimy muck down my throat! Put it in a nice cheese sauce, some tasty alfredo, a spicy curry…. It doesn’t matter! Stick it in a Twinkie, deep-fry it, dip it in chocolate, roll it in Cocoa Crispies and sprinkle powdered sugar on it for all I care! I just can’t do it!

So I ordered pizzas. I felt so dirty, but in a good way. Naughty, I guess I should say. Sort of like that thrill you got as a kid when your mommy would say, “No cookies before dinner.” Of course, you went ahead and got some anyway, snuck them to your bedroom, and ate them under the Empire Strikes Back covers of your bed with your Sesame Street record player playing the Alvin & The Chipmunks theme song over and over again ever-so-loudly as to cover any stray sounds from your covert munching. That delicious “you got away with it” feeling! And they’ll never know! NEVER!!! MWA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!

Unfortunately, about half way through the 4th slice of pizza, I realized that it didn’t taste as good as I seemed to remember pizza tasting. In my mind, I had built it up and beyond having been a simple crust with sauce and toppings.

In my mind, every memory of getting pizza seemed to involve me sitting atop an enormous temple in ancient Greece, being worshipped by vestal virgins, as a Drew Barrymore and Winonna Ryder served me each slice of pizza off their bare chests. Each bite would melt upon my tongue and fill me with a warmness as though God Himself had just gently kissed my forehead and said, “You are my favorite.” And I would smile, knowing that all was good in the world.

In reality, it was some cheap rubbery mozzarella, an overly salty sauce, and nasty crust. Oh, the crust! I had remembered the crust as being this pillow-soft, buttery, delightfully crisp-and-chewy bed on which all the toppings would have a happy party.

“Hello, Mr. Pepperoni! Having a good time dancing with Ms. Sausage? Great! I’ll be over getting some punch with Mr. Mushroom and his date, Olive. Enjoy yourselves!”

But really, it was just this chewy, dry thing that held the toppings for me as I ate them and cut the corners of my mouth when I tried to take too big of a bite. Really, I can’t even begin to describe how disappointed I was with the whole thing.

But I had bought the pizzas, so I was going to eat them. I’m a card-carrying member of the “Clean Plate Club,” taught by authority figures all my life to not let any of my meal go to waste for fear that a starving Chinese kid might somehow find his way to our livingroom and witness me being wasteful.

And, unfortunately, those pizzas led to nearly 3 months of intermittent cheating disrupted only by the occasional promise to myself of, “OK, this time I’m really gonna stick with the diet!”

But now here I am, at my two-year anniversary of my diet (the day after Valentine’s Day). Crystal and I had a very romantic evening that night which included going to our favorite Italian Restaurant, and that is the absolute end of our cheating ways. As of right now, we are back on Induction in a big way. Back when I started this diet, I was known as “The Sugar Nazi” because I was so strict, and I’m out to reclaim that title!

I know a lot of you have had similar incidents happen in your lives. It may have been pizza, it might have been a cake. Possibly, you where savagely attacked by Colonel Sanders and his forces. Maybe you just miss the enticing aroma of the Subway and Taco Bell bags that used to litter your car. Perhaps it’s the haunting visage of a certain fast-food clown that brought you to your knees.

Hey, everyone has weaknesses! You’re only human! The important thing is to get back on track, and then stay on track!

I’ll keep you all updated as to my progress on this thing. And if you want, feel free to drop me a line and maybe we can get through this together!

Check Also

A Letter From Santa About Starting the Atkins Diet

Thank you very much for your thoughtful letter. After having checked my list (twice, even!), I see that you have been mostly good this year, despite that incident where you incited that riot. Since you felt that you where acting in everyone's best interests, I'm sure that we can let that one incident slide this year. Rest assured that I will be able to provide you with the majority of the items on your wish list, with the exception of this Winona Ryder person you wish for me to leave under your tree. We here at S. Clause Incorporated have strict rules against slavery of any kind, and feel that Ms. Ryder would not appreciate your request that she be wearing only two things: BUCK and NEKID. Need I remind you of the restraining order that Ms. Ryder requested last year for Christmas?

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