Thank you very much for your thoughtful letter. After having checked my list (twice, even!), I see that you have been mostly good this year, despite that incident where you incited that riot. Since you felt that you where acting in everyone's best interests, I'm sure that we can let that one incident slide this year. Rest assured that I will be able to provide you with the majority of the items on your wish list, with the exception of this Winona Ryder person you wish for me to leave under your tree. We here at S. Clause Incorporated have strict rules against slavery of any kind, and feel that Ms. Ryder would not appreciate your request that she be wearing only two things: BUCK and NEKID. Need I remind you of the restraining order that Ms. Ryder requested last year for Christmas?

Some of you, my dedicated fans, know that I recently lost my job, and that I'm pretty bitter about it. After all, when I asked why I was being let go, I was told that I obviously didn't like working there, and that I didn't really want to continue at that company.

Much like how Dolly Parton has to be thankful to the underwire in her bra, I am so very thankful for the support shown by all my readers during my "Operation: Atkins 2.0"! I replied personally to many of you who mailed me, but after 36 hours, 2 boxes of Band-Aids for my blistered fingers, and a full bottle of Visine Eye-Drops, I decided to go with a blanket statement of thanks for the remainder of you. So if you didn't hear back from me, it's not because I'm unappreciative of the support, I just didn't have the time/strength/power to do it! The mind is strong, but the body is oh so WEAK!

It finally happened. After 1 year, 10 months, and 17 days on Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution.... After countless cows, chickens, turkeys, ducks, and pigs (the tastiest and crispiest of God's creatures - truly blessed) and other types of livestock have given their lives to my ongoing weight loss.... After 148 pounds had been dropped.... I finally came to that wall that stops so many low carbers dead in their tracks every day.

This may just be the sleep deprivation talking, so bear with me. It's 2AM, and inspiration has struck me in the form of a red-haired muse. And that red-haired muse? Mrs. Garrett from "Facts of Life," of course!

Are you prepared for it? Are you ready to face the armies of jelly beans, marshmallow peeps, and chocolate bunnies that are about to be marching down your street and are in the aisles of every supermarket from coast to coast? Are you prepared to face the horror of the Ultimate Rational Cheat Day!?!?!

Now that the day of reckoning has come and gone, the tale can finally be told. It is a tale of ultimate torment and anguish. A tale of a hard-fought and harsh battle the likes of which only the most epic of novels could ever be written.

After so many years of following Atkins, "falling off the wagon" over and over again, but learning from my mistakes each time, and ultimately coming to a very Zen place with my acceptance of this diet and the food that I eat on a daily basis, I can't believe that all my hard work has been undone by a simple scheme of the Marketing Department.

The holidays are nearly upon us, my friends, and that means it's time to gather with your loved ones and eat high-carb meals while visions of non-Atkins-friendly sugarplums dance in our heads. Okay, let's face it, the holidays are the most difficult part of choosing a low carb lifestyle.

I have been low carbing for approximately one and a half years now, and I have lost 127 pounds. The whole thing has become pretty much second nature to me now. In the beginning, it was very difficult to adjust to this way of life, but boy has it been worth it! My life has completely changed! And that's what this week's article is all about: change.

Well, summer is all most at an end now, and I'm sure we all had fun camping out, toasting pork rinds over a roaring campfire while our non-low carb friends polluted their systems with jet-puffed sugar marshmallows burnt to a crisp at the end of wooden sticks. I tell ya, who needs s'mores when you can enjoy some sweet gouda and cauliflower melted betwixt two crisp-fried pork chops?

As I have indicated in past articles, I have a tendency to stray from the righteous low carb path of life. But I'm sure that everybody cheats every once in a while, right? Well, maybe if you're some sort of Stepford-Wife-Alien-Robot entity who is bent on world domination through manipulation of the worlds fat people. Maybe you don't. But for the rest of us, we cheat occasionally. And, unfortunately, I've been cursed with the unbearable gift of rationalization.