The Don’t Really Mean You Harm, Do They?
The holidays are nearly upon us, my friends, and that means it’s time to gather with your loved ones and eat high-carb meals while visions of non-Atkins-friendly sugarplums dance in our heads. Okay, let’s face it, the holidays are the most difficult part of choosing a low carb lifestyle. Not just because of all the wonderful foods and tempting sweets that have made their home in the final three months of the year, but because of all the family and friends whom you only see during this time of year. The same family and friends who love you, and feel that it is their duty to get you away from this high-risk world of low carb dieting. I’ve actually had a relative burst into tears over the fact that I’ve chosen to lose weight this way! And, of course, these people who love you don’t know how serious you are about this. They all mean well by offering you mashed potatoes and stuffing, but they don’t know that low carbing is your new way of life! Luckily for all you readers out there, I’ve found the solution to all our holiday woes.
The only tool you’ll need in order to get through this holiday season is a simple 24-inch length of 3/4-inch wooden dowel. You will find it invaluable time after time again! I have found that my 24-inch stick come in handy for all sorts of situations that we low-carbers have to deal with on a regular basis during family get-togethers. And best of all, it only cost me $1.27 at the local Home Depot! Here are just a few of the thousands of uses you’ll find for your 24-inch stick:
The Anti-Low-Carb Food Pushers
Is Uncle Ted giving you a hard time because he heard about a guy who knew this guy who was dating a girl who went to a hairdresser who owned a poodle that got walked by a kid who’s father used to work at a factory with a lady who was on a diet, and that lady’s spleen ruptured due to a lack of carbohydrates in her diet? Ahh, how many of us go through this every FRICKEN’ year? You could waste a lot of time trying to explain the entire Atkins book to him and the rest of your family over and over again, but why bother? Now that you have your trusty 24-inch stick, simply give him a gentle but quick poke in the eye, rendering him temporarily (if not permanently) blind. Not only will this give you the window of opportunity needed to make a hasty retreat, but I can guarantee you that no one else in the family will ever try to talk to you about your eating choices again! Topics of conversations switch from “Your diet isn’t healthy!” and “People DIE eating like that!” to “Do you think he’s dangerous?” and “Didn’t the doctor give him medication to control this type of behavior?”
The “It’s Tradition” Food Pushers
Is Aunt Ruby insisting that you try her mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams, and other high-carb delicacies? You certainly don’t want to insult her, do you? Of course not! In the past you’ve felt obligated to take a little bit of each of the things she’s offered you, and you sworn to yourself that you’ll go right back on the induction diet starting tomorrow. But now that you have your 24-inch stick, you can avoid all those carbohydrates without having to hurt Aunt Ruby’s feelings! Just before Aunt Ruby loads your plate down with her evil, sugar-laden “goodies,” simply excuse yourself from the table and make your way to the bathroom. Kneel in front of the toilet and put the tip of your 24-inch stick in to your mouth as far as it will go, until you feel nauseous. That’s called your “gag reflex,” and supermodels the world over have used this technique for years to maintain their slender image. Pretend to vomit your small intestines up, trying to make as much noise as possible so you can attract a huge crowd.
When someone comes to ask if you’re okay (and trust me, they will), make sure to use your saddest, almost-crying but still very loud and bitter voice to tell them all “AUNT RUBY TRIED TO FORCE ME TO BREAK MY DIET!!!” You’ll want to follow it all up with a half hour of uncontrollable sobbing, interspersed with violent outbursts. (Be sure to use the end of the linen tablecloth to wipe your streaming eyes and nose.) You may be surprised at how many members of your family become very supportive of your low carb lifestyle after this! And best of all, Aunt Ruby will buy you the most expensive gift you have ever received… possibly even a new car!
Dealing with Food Blockers
Is Cousin Charlie taking all your favorite parts of the holiday turkey, even though he knows that the turkey is pretty much the only thing on the entire table you can eat? Situations like this never have easy solutions… or rather, they didn’t have easy solutions until you brought along your 24-inch stick! One of the first things you should do when you come to the table is to take the platter that the turkey is on and move it to right in front of where you are sitting (while everyone else is bowing their heads in prayer is a good time to do this… they’re all distracted and not looking). Some of your relatives may notice what you are doing and make some sort of comment but don’t worry. Simply point out to them that the turkey is still right there on the table; you’ve only moved it a little bit. This way, if someone wants a particular piece of the bird, you can decide if they deserve it first!
So, now that you have the bird in front of you and in your complete control, you’ll want to get in to a position to keep anyone from taking the turkey away. I suggest a “Neanderthal” approach: slouch over the turkey, putting an arm on either side. Make sure that your 24-inch stick is always clutched in your right hand, ready to ward off anyone who might be thinking of taking the turkey from you. Since your right hand will be occupied with the 24-inch stick, you should hold down the turkey with your left hand and simply tear it apart with your teeth. And if anybody should be foolish enough to get even close to your turkey, I suggest swift justice via the business end of your 24-inch stick accompanied by loud hissing or growling noises.
Okay, I’ll admit that these tips are kind of extreme. But don’t you get tired of having to defend your way of life to your family and friends every time you get together? No matter how well thought out my argument is, the conversation always ends with them looking at me the same way they look at the guy who stands out in front of the Circle K holding a jar of his own urine, screaming about how the dingoes ate his baby! Sometimes I just think that everyone would be more willing to accept me as a stark-raving madman than accept that I’m on a low carb diet, but this year I think things will be a little different. Since the last time they all saw me, I’ve lost over 100 pounds! Even people I met only 3 months ago are saying they notice how much weight I’ve lost! The proof is in the sugar-free pudding. So this year, I’ll be ready for the questions to have changed from “How can you risk your health like that?” to “How the heck did you lose all that weight?” And, of course, my answer to them will be a severe pummeling about the head and shoulders with my trusty 24-inch stick! NEVER leave home without it!
***Note From Di: CarbSmart will not be carrying Brian’s “Handy Dandy Stick” in our product line. Look for it in poorly filmed infommercials at 3 AM.