I have been low carbing for approximately one and a half years now, and I have lost 127 pounds. The whole thing has become pretty much second nature to me now. In the beginning, it was very difficult to adjust to this way of life, but boy has it been worth it! My life has completely changed! And that’s what this week’s article is all about: change.
I don’t remember how exactly how I came to be ruminating about change the other day, but I was thinking about how much I love being on the Atkins Diet and all the positive changes it has made in my life. I have improved self-esteem, massive amounts of energy, have actually gotten used to feeling healthy. But what about my life before Atkins? Surely there are some things I miss, right? So I thought, and I thought, and I thought, and I came up with this list of things I miss about the high carb standard American lifestyle.
MY MAGNETIC BUTT
A year and a half ago, I couldn’t sit down in any type of light chair that had arms on it (such as those plastic lawn chairs you can get at Almost) because I would end up picking the chair up with my butt any time I stood up.
At first I thought I might have gotten a super power of some sort, but that theory was no good. First of all, I had not been bitten by any radioactive spiders recently. Secondly, as far as super powers are concerned, Butt-To-Chair Magnetism is about the lamest super power I can think of.
Picture the Superfriends all being held captive by Lex Luthor in a gigantic plastic chair. “Oh, if only Magnetic-Butt-To-Chair Man where here! He could save the day!”
Unfortunately, I am no longer able to pick up chairs with my butt.
FLATULENCE ON COMMAND
At the peak of my career as a flatulist (the professional term for a really gassy guy), I was literally able to pass gas on command. And not just any gas, oh no! I could choose what type of flatulistic sonata I was about to perform in the same way a major league pitcher chooses his pitches. If the situation called for a low squawker, I could give a low squawker. Sneaky-Squeeky? Not a problem.
I even had a special move that no one else cold do, called “The Cushion Injector” (© Copyright 2001 Brian Pierce, all rights reserved). With this special move, I would lift myself ever so slightly off the couch while simultaneously performing a classic “Silent-But-Deadly.”The result was that the gas would then become trapped in the couch cushion, ready to be released as soon as the next person sat down! Nothing gave me more pleasure than to hear someone sit down, say “What the… OH, MY LORD! WHAT IN THE?!?!”
Of course, now that I’m on Atkins, I no longer have my potent putrid powers. I think I be lactose intolerant, or possibly have some sort of allergy to wheat. All I know is that whenever I do cheat, my abilities return for a limited time only, much like when the McRibb comes back to McDonald’s.
QUALITY READING TIME
I remember when my parents would take me camping every summer at a local campground. To most people, camping means that you pack up a backpack and hike in to the woods 3 or 4 miles, set up camp, and live off the land. Not for my family, though!
Our idea of camping was to go to a well-maintained campground that had clearly designated camping spots located near public restrooms with working showers and electricity. We used to try to get camping spots really close to the restrooms so we could run one of those thick orange extension cords to our tent and plug in our little black and white television. Yes, we were really into roughing it.
And whenever I had to go “big potty,” I would gather up a very large stack of comic books and take them in to the public restroom with me. Everyone in the campground knew me by name because everyone knew the cute little fat kid who would read comic books and sing for hours on end in the bathroom.
To this day, I still take plenty of comic books in to the bathroom with me. But I no longer have a reason to stay in the bathroom so long! Thanks to all the water I drink hydrating me, combined with a diet that my body can get familiar with and digest easily, it’s a rare occasion that I ever get constipated any more! These days I’m lucky if a proper bowel movement even lasts me half way through the latest issue of Spiderman!
But on the plus side, at least my legs don’t fall asleep any more before I can finish my duty.
THE CAFFEINE BREAKFAST CLUB
My buddy Alex and I used to work at the same place together, and our shift always began at 6 in the morning. For two growing lads 22 years of age (at the time), this posed quite a problem. Even though we were 22 and therefore knew the answers to EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, we couldn’t figure out a good way to stay up until 3 or 4 every night and still make it to work by 6 the next morning. That is, until we discovered Surge.
I don’t even know if they still make this stuff, but it was wonderful! It was like Mountain Dew, only sweeter (if you can imagine that), and we found out that if you drink approximately 6 cans of that syrupy stuff before you get to work, you can get lots and lots of work done!
And our experimentation with the elixir also lead us to find that if you just keep a case of the stuff at work, then every time you get tired all you have to do is drink another can and you perk right up!
Of course, we also learned some important things about Surge that the DEA should have checked on before they released the stuff to the public.
For example, you should never eat an entire 3-pound salami after drinking 12 cans of Surge, or that you should never mix Surge with Jolt Cola because it causes either the room or your eyeballs to vibrate.
Up till the time I started doing Atkins, I had maintained this same type of diet; it was a rare occasion that I didn’t have a couple of two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew in my fridge along with a case of Dr. Pepper. But once I got on Atkins, I found a really weird thing; I don’t need the caffeine any more! Atkins gives me more energy…NATURAL energy… than I’ve ever had in my entire life!
However, I do miss getting the jerking jitters and the Hershey squirts associated with drinking so much carbonated caffeine sugar water.
Hmmmmmm… ya know what? I’m looking back on this article as I have written it, and I realize that it’s nothing but a collection of memories about the bathroom, intestinal distress, and my butt. Gee, this is the classiest article I’ve ever written! I think I’d better end it now, before I get any worse.
I don’t want to ruin my reputation.
Do you have any low carb tales of terror? (See https://www.carbsmart.com/terrible1.html.) Drop me a line at [email protected] and let me know, and you just might see your story dramatized here in a future column. Maybe we’ll even have a drawing and award prizes. We could put all the tales of terror in a BIG hat, draw one out, and the winner might get to join Brian and Crystal at the next company cookout.
Note from Andrew: If Brian uses one of your stories in a future article, CarbSmart will give you a $20 Gift Certificate to our on-line store. (Unfortunately, we won’t be able to send you to Brian’s next company cookout!)