My motivation was to find a mate.
So what’s your motivation for switching from high-carb society to the fast-paced, dangerous world of low-carbing? For me, it was simple. I was tired of having my 410-pound Mountain of Meat body getting in the way of finding a mate. My parents are getting on in years, and every family function serves as another opportunity for “The Speech” from my father. He’ll gather us, his children, at his feet and make his plea.
“Someday, I’ll be gone. And if any of you ungrateful kids cared about your old man, you’d have given me an heir to the family estate!” I should point out here that the family estate is 5 acres of overgrown pastureland with a 3-bedroom house, a one-car garage/storage shed, a workshop, a slab of concrete where a barn used to be, and a swimming pool (affectionately referred to as The Cee-Ment Pond) that has been condemned since the early 1970s.
My brother and my sister always get to the good excuses before I can use them. Over the years, they have used everything from “Shooting blanks” to “I’m gay” to “This Fertile Crescent Shall Bear No Fruit,” and all stops in between. Last year, I believe my sister used “BABIES? I thought you said you needed me to get you some RABIES!!! Don’t touch the dog, Dad.” And my brother used the tried and true “I would have done it for you, Dad, but I got kicked in the happy-sacks while playing soccer.” So it all comes down to me it is my birthright my DUTY to produce a grandbaby! So what else could I do? I knelt before my father with my head bowed, fist over my heart, and said “I shall produce an heir, father for the good of the family!”
The chicks just don’t dig my “Bigger Than Thou” body.
Unfortunately, although they are turned on by my personality, the chicks just don’t dig my “Bigger Than Thou” body. So that’s the reason I got on the Atkins Diet. All I was trying to do was attract a mate! And I’m not really that picky. All I ask for is a healthy woman with good birthing hips and strong teeth. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe all our motivation is similar?
But the funny thing about this is that I’ve talked to a lot of different people who are low carbing, and I’d say that 90% of the people I meet are doing this for a variation of this exact same reason! How vain are we? But I can deal with that. I admit it; I’m vain. So is everyone else! Feels kind of good to be a conformist, ya know? So regardless of what your motivation is, at least you’re finally doing it and that’s all that matters!
One day, I’ll be one of the pretty people. You know who they are – the ones you hate. The ones who get everything handed to them simply because they’re thin. The ones who got the job instead of you, even though they had no experience and no talent. The ones who got to go to the high school prom with all their pretty friends while you stayed home and watched “Three’s Company” reruns. The ones who say things like “Gee, I wish I were like you! I wish I could gain weight. I eat and eat and eat, but I just can’t gain a single pound!” Oh, I’ll give you a pound, you little………
But I’m getting bitterness all over you. Sorry about that! One day, I’ll get to be one of them. I’ll drive down the highway in my sporty little convertible, wind blowing in my pretty hair; maybe I’ll be wearing one of those billowing aviator scarves. I’ll blow right on past a State Trooper doing 110 in a 30, and the Trooper will pull me over.
TROOPER: “Son, you have any idea how fast you were driving back there?”
PRETTY ME: “Why, yes I do, officer.Are you going to write me a ticket?”
TROOPER:”You leave me with precious little choice!”
PRETTY ME:”But officer ” “I’m PRETTY!”
TROOPER:”Hmmmm…..I suppose you do have a point there.” “Gosh, you’re pretty!”
PRETTY ME:”Why, yes!Yes, I am! Thank you, officer!”
TROOPER: “Oh, no, thank you, Pretty Fella!”
TROOPER: “That sure was one pretty fella!”
So like I asked you before, what’s your motivation? As you can tell, my motivation is mainly shame and bitterness, and a hint of jealousy. Oh, and a strong desire to procreate. Hey, it works for me!
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